


Bend (Until I break)

by PipTheShipper



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And a straight jacket, Angst, Angst with an unhappy ending, M/M, Poor Tony needs a hug, Steve is an asshole (according to Tony), Suicidal Thoughts, Tony goes crazy, don't read if you don't like being sad, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 06:50:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6970717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipTheShipper/pseuds/PipTheShipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Diary,<br/>	Oh, I am going to be so mad at him when he gets back. He will walk in the door and expect me to run to him, but I won’t because he hasn’t called. (I will run to him and jump into his arms).<br/>I’ll just pretend he’s not even there, and then he’ll be sorry for making me wait. But I will always wait for Steve. (Always).</p><p>OR the one where Steve dies, and Tony can't handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bend (Until I break)

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance for this.

Dear Diary,

              I swear when he gets back, I’m going to kill him. It’s been two months already! Steve promised the mission would take a week, tops, and it’s been two months. Everybody is sad because they think he isn’t coming back, but I know he will. (He will. He loves me.) He promised he would come back. Steve never breaks a promise. And when he finally does return, the team will see how foolish they were to think that he wouldn’t. And Steve will be happy because I remembered what he said. He said he would stay. Always.

             

              Dear Diary,

              I think I made Pepper cry today, though I’m not sure why. She comes to see me every few days now, because she’s worried about me. There’s no reason for her to worry. Once Steve gets back, everything will be so much better. Anyways, we were talking like we usually do, and then I started telling her about all the things Steve and I would do when he got back. (He was coming back). And she just said, “Tony.” And I kept talking, because Steve and I were going to go to London, and I didn’t like the way she said my name. She just kept saying, “Tony” in this weird voice. And when I finally paused and looked up, she was crying. I tried to comfort her but she just cried harder. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. Maybe she just misses Steve, too. (I miss Steve).

             

              Dear Diary,

              I punched Rhodey today. (He deserved it). Rhodey came to see me because Pepper told him I wasn’t doing well, which is ridiculous, but she did. So Rhodey visited me down in the lab, and I was in the middle of a project when he walked in. (Steve and I were going to take a vacation). We just talked for the first couple of minutes, but I could tell something was wrong with him, because he kept looking down at his hands, which he does when he feels awkward. So I asked him to spit it out already, because he obviously had something on his mind. He told me that I wasn’t handling Steve’s absence well. (Even though I’m fine). Only, ‘absence’ wasn’t the word he used. The word he used was a very stupid word. (It was the wrong word). So I told him to leave. And he wouldn’t. So I punched him, and then he left.

 

              Dear Diary,

              Oh, I am going to be so mad at him when he gets back. He will walk in the door and expect me to run to him, but I won’t because he hasn’t called. (I will run to him and jump into his arms).

I’ll just pretend he’s not even there, and then he’ll be sorry for making me wait. But I will always wait for Steve. (Always).

             

              Dear Diary,

              Fury removed me from action today. He says I’m not fit to be out on missions, which is so stupid. When I asked why, he said it was because I wasn’t dealing with Steve’s absence well, only he used the same word Rhodey used. Why do people keep using that word? Just because we haven’t heard from him doesn’t mean anything. (It doesn’t, does it?). He’s coming back. I just have to be patient. Fury says he will only let me back on missions after I accept Steve’s absence and move on. (Only he didn’t say absence). Why do people keep using that word?

 

              Dear Diary,

              There was an explosion in the lab today. I was blown backwards and I landed on the couch, which was really lucky. The team came running, and when they entered the lab, they just looked at me with shocked expressions. (It was actually kind of funny). Natasha asked what happened. I told her that I was trying to build a particularly challenging upgrade for Steve’s suit. She just got really quiet, and then in a gentle voice explained that Steve was absent, so he wouldn’t need a suit. (Why do people keep using that word?) I just started laughing, because she was wrong. They all were. Steve promised he would come back. (Where is he?) He’s coming back. (He will.)

 

              Dear Diary,

              I think I lost it today. I was walking down the hall to the kitchen, and I passed Steve’s room. Only, it didn’t really look like Steve’s room. Because Natasha was in it, and she was putting all of his stuff in boxes. I came in and asked what she thought she was doing. She jumped, and looked guilty, like she’d been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. (Which was true). She explained that since Steve wasn’t coming back, she was clearing out his room. And I snapped. I screamed that she was wrong, that Steve was coming back (He had to). He promised he would, and Steve never broke his promises. (He was coming back. He had to).

             

              Dear Diary,

              Bruce dragged me to the table to eat dinner. I sat down in my usual spot, and stared at the plate of steak and green beans and mashed potatoes. The spot next to mine was empty, and there was no plate there, because Steve wasn’t back yet. (Yet.) I told them they should set him a plate, in case Steve returned during dinner. (Because he would be coming back, right). So it would be nice if he already had a plate. And everyone just got really quiet, staring down and avoiding my eyes. And then I just started laughing. Because they were so foolish to think that he wasn’t coming back. “Why aren’t you laughing?” I demanded after a moment of hysterical laughter. They didn’t answer. I left without eating. (Steve would be mad).

 

              Dear Diary,

              He hasn’t returned any of my calls, so I got angry today. I had to go down to the bar to get a drink. I think someone threw out all of my alcohol, because I can’t seem to find any. Anyways, I went down to the bar, and there was this blond asshole there who looked like Steve, but also didn’t. So I hated him, because he was there and Steve wasn’t (because he wasn’t back yet, of course). And I went over to him, and I told him that, and he just laughed kind of awkwardly, looking at his friends. He felt uncomfortable, I could tell, and he also didn’t know who I was. I insulted him, and he had to fight me so he wouldn’t look bad in front of his friends. He punched me, and I didn’t fight back. He just kept punching me, and it felt good, and I was smiling. He left me on the floor. I think Thor took me home. I can’t wait till Steve gets back.

 

              Dear Diary,

              I watched the news today. And almost every channel was talking about Steve’s absence. Only they didn’t use that word. They used the other word, the word that pisses me off because it isn’t true (it can’t be true). And they kept saying the word, and how the nation is mourning, and I couldn’t shut it off because I was frozen. I think Clint came and shut it off, but I couldn’t really see. My eyes were wet. (I miss Steve).

 

              Dear Diary,

              Fury tried to have me taken somewhere. I don’t know where. I said no, because I just want to lie down on my bed, and smell Steve’s shirts. They don’t smell like him anymore. They will when he comes back. (Right?)

 

              Dear Diary,

              Rhodey came back. I think it was hard for him, because he’s in the military and he can’t get away a lot. (Even though he’s worried). He didn’t try to tell me that Steve wasn’t coming back, like the rest of them. He just held me, and I just let him, and it was okay for a little while. (But he wasn’t Steve).

 

              Dear Diary,

              I can’t breathe. I miss him so much. I will not kiss him when he returns, because he has made me wait. Where is he? (He’s coming back).

 

              Dear Diary,

              Where is he? Where is he? When will he come back?

 

              Dear Diary,

              What is he waiting for?

 

              Dear Diary,

              Why? Why won’t he come back? I need him. He has to know how much I need him. He has to. He has to come back. (Please, Steve. Come back to me).

 

              Dear Diary,

              He’s not coming back. The others were right all along, and I was too stupid to believe them. Steve is not coming back, because he’s dead. He died. The love of my life died on a mission, and he left me here all alone. He’s dead. He won’t ever kiss me again, because he’s dead. He won’t ever hold me again, because he’s dead. He’s dead, and he died, and I can’t go on. Not without him. Never without him. He promised to stay. He lied, and he died, and I will too.

 

              Dear Diary,

              The gun tastes coppery in my mouth. Nothing like Steve’s kisses. I will never taste him again. I guess this is my last entry, because the gun is in my mouth and the end is coming and after so, so long I will be with Steve again. I will not fall. I will float, and when I get to wherever Steve is, he will pull me into his arms and everything will be okay again, and if any of you are reading this, guys, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

                          

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry? :)  
> Let me know what you think down below. Or if you just, you know, want to rant at me. Either is fine.


End file.
